forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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