I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
