Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
