yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
