i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
