i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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