a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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