It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
