my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
