she was so not down for the gang bang
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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