Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He better not be in your backpack
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
