I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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