sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
