Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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