my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
