i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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