My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
