my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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