I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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