My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
