He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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