So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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