After last night, I could never be a politician.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
