My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
