We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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