anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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