I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
