You just made me feel so damn special
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
