Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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