I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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