shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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