just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
