I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
