I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
