dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
