I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
