Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
