proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
