Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
