my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
