i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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