we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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