What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
