Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
