so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
