I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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