I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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