upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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