then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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