I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
