This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
