i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
