He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
