i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
