I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
