I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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