No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
