There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
