Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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