The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
