did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Porn is love you can see.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
