i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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