idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
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I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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