I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
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After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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