after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
